On "What Seneca Would Say"

By Brandon Troxell

Who hasn’t had a tough day with their kids? You would be hard-pressed to find a parent to say the opposite – we’ve all been there when we do more than raise our voices. When we enter that stage Carla Naumberg, PhD., author of “How to Stop Losing Your Shit with Your Kids”, would call “full-on parental shit loss”. That moment when the little sanity you had left that hinged on your children ran out. You can feel your nervous system going to Defcon One, and before you can stop yourself, the big red button has been pressed.

In his essay On Anger, Seneca would call this reaction a “temporary form of insanity,” and for any parent who has experienced this, you would probably agree. We can feel our heartbeat racing, our breath quicken, and our eyesight narrow. All the signs are there. We know that whatever happens next will not be fun for us or our kids, and we surely know that it will not make us feel any better, yet we proceed anyway.

“Delay,” Seneca would tell any well-meaning parent “is the best cure for anger,” and to which, I think many of us would respond in the heat of the moment with a solid, “no shit.” So, how do we avoid getting to that point to begin with? How do we create the space before delay?

In Stoic philosophy, it’s called Premeditatio Malorum, or the premeditation of evils - the practice of preparing for the future. “The unexpected blow,” Seneca writes “lands the hardest.” He would say they’re infants, toddlers, or teenagers; of course, they act out. Not to spite you, but because it’s their nature to test you. You, the parent, must be mentally prepared for that. It’s our job to manage our emotions, not theirs. Their job is to be a kid.

When we wake up, we must remind ourselves, “I know they’re going to want to wear the same pair of Hello Kitty underwear they’ve been sporting for two days. This is not a surprise. What can I do now to prepare for the inevitable tantrum?” I don’t have that answer, but I can say that our kids need us to be at our best when they’re at their worst. When they are screaming about that thing, that let’s be honest, is probably completely unreasonable, the last thing they need from us is meeting them at their level.

Cheers!

Brandon